Last Visit with Grandma Joan ... September

Grandma has been hospitalized for awhile now. Things are not looking good, so this week, on Wednesday, mom and dad drove up from St. Louis ... and Gret drove over from Milwaukee, and the four of us made the trek to Ann Arbor to visit her in the hospital. She was VERY alert and talkative ... and knew who we all were. I held her hand, and even stroked her head through her little cap. "Who's on my head?!" she asked me. "It's me gran, I can stop if you'd like." "No, it feels nice! No one does that for me!."

After a few hours, I got out my Bible and read Psalm 121 for her.

"I lift up my eyes to the mountains—
where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord,
the Maker of heaven and earth.

He will not let your foot slip—
he who watches over you will not slumber;
indeed, he who watches over Israel
will neither slumber nor sleep.

The Lord watches over you—
the Lord is your shade at your right hand;
the sun will not harm you by day,
nor the moon by night.

The Lord will keep you from all harm—
he will watch over your life;
the Lord will watch over your coming and going
both now and forevermore."

It sounds silly, but I've bolded the lines above, where I remember looking her right in the eyes ... so wide and big, like a child's eyes ... and said the words right to her face. She seemed so small. And her hands were so cold.

But she looked long and deep into our eyes, drinking us in, and pronounced it "The most wonderful day." And she looked at me and my sister and said "You were always such good girls." And then, BEST of all ... she looked into her own daughter's eyes and said what needed to be said most: "So was your mother. She was always such a good girl." And my mama cried. And I felt years of bitterness and anger and regret melt out of the room like ice in the sunshine ... leaving behind only a warm peace.

And I learned, even at age 39, about forgiveness and grace ... and dying and life ... and that was why we all needed to be in that room together at that moment.

As she left, my mom hugged her mother and cried and said, "I've missed you mom" and they whispered something else to each other, and my heart ached to hold my own daughter close.

At the last, I took my grandma's face in my hands and just looked into her big eyes and said "I love you so much." "I love you too." She said. And I kissed her soft cheek.

As we left, I turned and saw her lying there, watching us go, and I waved sadly at her, and blew her a kiss.

And that was the last time I saw her.

Me and Gretchen hold Grandma's hands.